A PanAfricanist Queer Womanist Collective

My love’s endless journey pt II

By Michelle

woman cloth



Tuesday, 25th of November 2008

I am HIV+.

I don’t know whether I’ve accepted it yet or if I’m still delusional.

What if I tell him and he freaks out and leaves me?

What if he is positive and blames me for it? I think I’ll rather not tell him anything, I’ll just keep quiet. I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it if he drops me.

If I’m positive, who did I get it from? There has to be some sort of misunderstanding somewhere.

On the other hand, I have the sense that he wants Vickie back: when he jumped into bed with her for five months, it really made me think. Shoot me if I’m wrong but my gut does not lie to me. I don’t know what he’s saying to her, then coming home and telling me something different.

Am I being played?

Am I just a yoyo being thrown up and down? He told me he preferred 17year olds, who were ‘fuck-all’ and easy to manipulate. I know that he was doing that to me not so long ago.

I started to notice that he was ashamed to be seen in public with me and didn’t make any effort to get along with my gay friends. He would often say negative things about gay people, I was not happy about that.

How could he be with me and like my red nail polish if he hated transgenders?

In the beginning, when we had sex I was always at the bottom.

I was the feminine one and that’s how it was supposed to stay.

But more and more he wanted me to fuck him.

I did it at first but it started to make me unhappy, I wanted myself back. There was no more balance. I often found myself being chatted up by kinky men, I wonder what it is about me that they find so attractive.

Very often David was not able to satisfy me and I would find it with other guys who knew how to get the job done properly.

I’m in love with another guy, head over heels for him.

He is a good looking coloured guy in his mid twenties.

He is proud to be gay and knows what he wants from life.

He took my number and I was determined to see him again. No matter what.

All the things that have happened have made me think about walking away, never glimpsing over my shoulder to wonder what could have been. I realized that there is nothing to be gained from sticking with someone like that, it just hurts and blinds you.

David was a married man with two sons.

The stress caused me to smoke more, eat less and was really bad for my body. He was having a nice time while I was ruining myself.  I managed to get myself a job at the Desmond Tutu HIV foundation, it wasn’t the one I applied for but I said to myself “try it out and see what happens”.

Besides, I am too desperate to turn down any work.

David was not happy about it, he always underestimated me and he should not have. I may seem stupid but I am very clever and when it comes to relationships, I always come out victorious.

In a way I will always love him unconditionally, but on the other hand, it is time for me to move on.

I want my social life back and start truly living my life. I am still so young: I should be partying, clubbing, having adventures and loving life.

I don’t want to work all the time…I’m getting gatvol.

And when I feel like this it makes me restless, edgy and hyperactive. I don’t want to lose control.  I need a man who is going to respect me for who I am, please me in bed and do things with me, even when he doesn’t want to. Relationships should be based on love, commitment, trust, honesty and support. These things will make a couple stay together forever.

David, if you’re reading this: don’t be offended. It’s just straight talk all the way. This doesn’t mean that we can’t be friends, because I treasure our friendship more than anything else. Now you know where we stand with each other. I wrote down my feelings, this is a part of my therapy. Please try and understand my side.

I love you dearly.

Thank you to those who are reading my story


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This entry was posted on 10/04/2014 by in Sex, relationships and love. and tagged , , , , , .

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