A PanAfricanist Queer Womanist Collective
Sometimes I look back at my life from the moment I was born, the 20th of November 1989, up until now. I often think to myself “why me?” “What did I do that I deserve the life I’m in?” “Why do I have such a fucked up life?
No real family, no childhood. No further education, no stable job, no true love relationship, no one who gives a damn about me.
I am the same person who feels sorry enough for someone to give them the last of my money or going out of my way to please them.
Is it because I try too hard to fit in or to get acceptance in every place I go and from every person I meet? Is this truly the life God wanted for me, or have I been labeled from day one?
Did I get to this place through destiny or is it my purpose in life?
What does this mean to the individual and how does one start to accept life and go with the flow?
I’m not sure whether to accept the answers to these questions or to get help.
Am I truly fucked up enough to climb into a man’s bed just for the comfort of sex? Am I to blame for being hurt over and over? I need answers or I’ll lose my mind. I feel as though I am the biggest fuck up ever, always willing to destroy anything I come in contact with.
I am a soul living in world filled with fantasies and dreams, just waiting to see how my tale ends. Will I have a happily ever after? Will it end on a high note, with a big bang? Or will remain in this game of pretend, forever trapped in my own mind, in my own thoughts?
20th November 2008
It’s my 19th birthday. I’ve started to become a different person over these past few weeks. David wished me a happy birthday, he gave me flowers.
I wish my partner had made some effort so that I could have a special day.
This is why I hate my birthdays, I’ve never had a proper birthday, with a party and gifts and my friends around me.
I feel the same about Valentine’s Day, Christmas and New Year, they mean nothing to me.
I wish this day would just come to an end already so that it could all be over. I wonder what my 21st will be like. Probably just as fucked up as the years before.
Monday, 24th of November 2008
Some days I don’t even know myself.
One day I am one person and the next I am another.
Today I was in Woodstock all day and just needed a little time to myself. I don’t understand how David can work the whole day. He says I’m the only person he can get along with and he misses me.
He says he loves me with all his “heart and soul”. I got home, ate and found him there.
He doesn’t even seem to care where I’ve been and why I’m so late. I can feel a coldness coming from him and I can’t understand why. Whenever he gets his own way he starts to act differently towards me. He’s going to pick a fight and find a way to make me feel guilty.
I can’t stand being belittled by anyone.
I can’t go on like this anymore.
Tuesday, 25th of November 2008
It’s 01:00am and I’m finding it hard to sleep.
I have a lot of things going through my mind and it feels like a highway.
It’s not normal to still be awake, but I like it, it’s peaceful.
All I hear outside are dogs barking. It’s actually outing my mind at ease. I need some time alone to try and make things better for myself. David is going to want to talk to me, he’s going to be angry that I wasn’t in bed with him, but I don’t give a fuck.
I have to start making more time for myself.
I’m starting to doubt how much David loves me, my heart says 50%. I wonder “does he really love me? Or is he just saying it to make me feel good?
So where does that leave me on a scale from 1 to 10? I, myself wonder if I truly love David or am I just lying to myself? Heaven knows.
We’ve been together for 2 years. Why am I so confused?
David claims to be Bisexual, but he says he only wants to be with me. I sometimes catch him eyeing younger guys with blonde hair, which makes me wonder.
I should probably tell him that I got my results from the lab in Greenpoint today.
They say I’m reactine, which means I’m positive.