A PanAfricanist Queer Womanist Collective

On how I’m determined to stay a love phoenix.


By Anonymous

To my « exes »,

I’m just very sorry for you.

I’m sorry that you are that person, who can’t feel anymore, can’t even think about how their actions could destroy people.

I’m sorry that you don’t appreciate the meaning behind «please, don’t break my heart».

I’m sorry your heart wasn’t open enough to accept me.

I’m sorry your love was conditioned by oppressive ideas of who I «should» be.

I’m sorry you

◦   were a sexist homophobe who chose to hide behind unrealistic and oppressive ideology.

◦   thought I only deserved your love if I looked «that» way.

◦   Wanted to fuck me regardless of consent and shit.

◦   chose her instead because I wouldn’t give the pussy away fast enough, then came back to hurt me more.

◦   were a cunt to your girlfriend of 2 years, cheated on her Lord knows how many times – I KNOW I’m not the only one- and decided to around with me when you knew (beforehand) that I wasn’t about that life.


I’m sorry for the times I hurt you, but I’m even sorrier for you because you knew damn well that I wasn’t fucking around. I was giving you my heart and you gave shit back.

Don’t tell me you didn’t have a choice !

We all have a choice to be better.

As a matter of fact, countless make that choice, and because of them, the world isn’t that fucked up.

Unless you are a psychopath, then you are beyond medical help.

I know the world is mean, but you don’t have to be. I hope you become nicer, and meet someone who can give you what you’re looking for. Somebody that you won’t fuck up like you did me. However, if you do, I pray that you get your pay back for being the shitface you are. May someone make you pay for each tear you have made others cry.


My heart will heal. I’ve seen worse…it’s just that I’m shocked to find out what you mean when you say «love» and «relationship» and «I’ll treat you like a queen».

I’m sorry that me being all « sweet and gentle ». l made you think  that you could manipulate me. Maybe you tried to make me one of yours?

I might feel broken now, but when I see how far I’ve come in the face of everything against me, I’m fucking proud to say that you will not succeed. Years of oppression, sexism, abuse, broken hearts and countless tragedies did not bring me down. I come from a long line of strong, loving, bad-ass, black and queer revolutionary women. You don’t have what it takes to ruin me. No one does.

I’m gonna keep loving like I do, but I’ll direct it elsewhere. I will not compromise. I will love harder than ever, as a revenge for all the love you keep to yourself tucked safely away from others.


I’m not here for whatever illusion or leftover you have to offer.



I pray that you do not meet any beautiful souls who are willing to try and take your feelings seriously. Stay single and fucked up until you get it right.

To my most recent «ex»,

I wished many things on you. That you’d get alcohol coma, that some girl you fucked on the side made you pay (hard) for breaking her heart, that someone breaks a bottle on your face, that your girlfriend leaves your for the guy you could never be, that you’d be eternally horny with no relief, that your best friends fuck the love of your life or that you could never again make a quality piece of art.

Then, I realised, the worst I could wish for you is that you stay exactly the same ; A passive-aggressive deceiver, a liar and a cheat. That makes me sad for you.

But thanks for showing me exactly what I don’t need in my life.


To myself,

I’m sorry doll. I keep giving my heart to them when I should know that it deserves more. I’ll do my best to grow into a better person.  We’ve come so far, let’s not give up!

I won’t let society ruin you. My revolutionary act will be to take care of myself and use that energy on myself, my work, and people who can actually  value it. I will spend this energy pissinging society off by being 1000% myself. Not exactly certain who that is but I know it’s pretty badass.

And I will love so hard that it will make them vomit their guts out.


To my soulmate,

Grrrl, where are you? See what’s happening while you’re not with me? You better hurry up and get here, we’ve got kick ass power couple tendencies to acquire.

To anyone who feels like they keep giving their heart to the wrong ones. The ones who love too much, are too sweet, too kind and generally seen as exploitable.

It’s not all your fault, love. You will learn who to avoid- I hope. Don’t change if you don’t want to ; don’t succumb to peer-pressure and «adapt» because that’s «what you do». Fuck all that « thicker skin » crap, they should try to emulate YOU.

Also, let’s hang out and watch movies. I’ll bring the cake and the tissues.


6 comments on “On how I’m determined to stay a love phoenix.

  1. callingonangels

    “The ones who love too much, are too sweet, too kind and generally seen as exploitable.” that’s me right there. I have tissues, just bring cake and ice cream. lol

    • HOLAA!

      Love hard or go home! That’s our policy.

      • callingonangels

        By doing so we are consciously opening up ourselves to suffering and pain, in my case it’s by being too trusting, giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, giving too much too soon, going the extra mile although no one asked me to, and generally just being all in. But… like you said, we can sum it up as an experience and use it to enrich our life. It’s so funny I read this post today, it was meant to be. I broke up with my gf a few days back and this post was like an inner convo i had with myself yesterday. I even wrote a letter to my soulmate and all. lol I’m lovin the site. Thanks for finding me =]

        • HOLAA!

          We are so happy that you love it! Also we’re doing an LBGTQIA*LOVE issue with Interrupt mag, please write for it! You’re super talented! Chat to us on holaafricaonline@gmail.com

          • callingonangels

            Oh wow, I would love to! Thank you for the honor =]

  2. Barefootcountessa

    Wow I loved this post damnnnn fantastic steeam of words all the way emotive and expressive!!

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