A PanAfricanist Queer Womanist Collective
*Trigger Warning: Rape, Sexual Assault, Abuse
Toni Johnson is a woman who makes no apologies for her lesbian identity. As a 25-year old woman, Toni’s tenacious work ethic in college has landed her in the corporate business world in New York City. She likes her career as a business consultant because she constantly has to be aggressive and domineering to win the respect of her, predominately, white male colleagues who often undermine her abilities. In this white-collar profession, she was able to match her business personality with her refined stud swagger–dressed in Banana Republic black pin-striped slacks with crisp, tailored Armani Exchange dressed shirts. She upgraded her wardrobe from the days of sporting the “ghetto” baggy jeans, Tims, and hoodies that she rocked throughout her early teen years right through to college where she became more versatile and sophisticated. So you can imagine her business persona carried over into her romantic life; she being a seductive, predatory—yet charming stud who often encountered women from all walks of life.
Toni never had any serious relationships with women; she preferred the fresh-out –of-college young emerging professional ladies who still did not know what they wanted out of life or for themselves for that matter. She would avoid emotional intimacy with women—a sense of complacency grew with being not promiscuous (as some people would label it) but being a player. By being a player, Toni (unknowingly) was feeding and encouraging her stud lesbian identity to take the form of stereotypical male behaviors and the darkest forms of their accompanying mentality.
Toni would find her “conquests” at informal (but swanky) acid-jazz /house/ lounge hangout spots. Toni was a great dancer (which some people attributed to her being black) so many women (particularly white women) were impressed with her sensual moves on the dance floor. However, Toni would also show these women her softer side by striking up intense platonic friendships and engaging in intellectual conversations about current events. This gave women the illusion that Toni had depth and that she wasn’t constantly focused on sex. During business meetings, Toni had developed a strategy where she was patient while learning to make clear and calculated decisions that maximized the interests of the firm and her clients. Toni would apply these same business strategies to her conquests; she would be patient while preying on women with bi-curious/homosexual tendencies. In addition, some of the women would be in unsatisfying heterosexual relationships so, in the back of their minds, lesbianism seemed like a good alternative. Like most serious lesbians, Toni was tired of the popularity and trendiness of lesbianism amongst young women. Eventually, usually after the third encounter, Toni would invite them over to her house for wine and dinner and then proceed with her ‘sexual conquests’.
Not all of her sexual conquests and escapades were VOLUNTARY. Occasionally, Toni would rape the women with whom she developed initial platonic friendships. The use of wine was a way to romance her victims and lower their inhibitions. The victims would soon be relaxed but not quite in a drunken-state. Toni would caress them gently all over their bodies. The women would tell Toni that ‘PG-13’ behavior such as kissing and fondling was acceptable (just to satisfy their bi-curiosity) and that nothing beyond that was okay. Toni would escalate the ‘PG-13’ behavior to XXX behavior within 5 minutes. Suddenly, Toni would undress them completely and proceeded to perform oral sex on them. This was Toni’s way of pleasuring her victims and often they had involuntary orgasms (caused by physical and psychological reasons). Then, Toni would undress herself and take out her ultra strap-on. She penetrated the women nice and slowly before becoming more hostile and aggressive. Toni loved being dominant while her victim was in a submissive position especially while performing strap-on fucking. The strap-on fucking played into her perception of herself as a dominant lesbian stud imitating heterosexual male behavior… After a while, Toni began to question her lesbian stud identity. The more she raped women the less she felt herself identifying with them or herself.
It dawned on Toni that she was not proud of the forced sexual conquests -as she called them- because the incidents starkly reminded her of being raped by a man as a teenager. Strangely, she realized that as a rape survivor herself she had turned into a rapist. Toni knows that the rape influenced her because she found herself consciously perpetuating and expressing heterosexual male behaviors and psychologies. As for the victims, the post-rape experience left the women sexually confused. Furthermore, the victims would even question if they were actually raped because they were able to achieve orgasm (involuntarily)… so only feelings of self-blame began to internalize within them. Some women moved past their victimhood and reconstructed their rape as a “sexual encounter” and a rude sexual awakening. Unfortunately, most of these women entered into cycles of unhealthy lesbian relationships that were physically, emotionally, or verbally abusive.
Toni, now 26-years old, finds herself attending her first support group meetings. She enters the room with feelings of optimism about starting the process of a new life and wonders (mostly worries) if she will continue raping women.
For more information about intimate partner abuse and/ or women raping women please click here. If you need more information or resources about woman-woman rape, partner abuse and /or intimate partner violence support groups in your area please contact HOLAA on: firstname.lastname@example.org
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