A PanAfricanist Queer Womanist Collective
The women in my life have taken various paths. I’ve had some friends do the whole ‘its just sex’ thing, others have said that they are ‘ok’ with their person sleeping with other people and others went with the whole ‘we aren’t labeling it’ flow (my personal favourite).
Before people think I am judging from my high horse or from the safety of my relationship – I am speaking from experience. My current relationship started in that ‘undefined’ way. I thought I was cool with it, being sexy about it, being forward thinking and awesome.
I was so wrong.
I was losing my shit slowly but surely.
Now I have always thought of myself as one of the more sexually liberated women. Wearing labels such as ‘man eater’ with pride cause I was just such a boss at this whole emotions and hook ups thing. Boss? I was barely the cleaner who comes in at night.
Context should be given I suppose. Girl meets girl. Girl has insanely toxic relationship with girl. Girl swears of girls and meets new girl. Girl decides that she can do the ‘relaxed situation thing.’ Girl gets it so wrong.
Flash forward to three months or so of ‘not labeling it’ and an emotional and hormonal Kagure crying to a friend on campus about how ‘she didn’t even send a valentines day sms’.
It had been 2 months since I had broken up with my first girlfriend and it had been a few months since her break up. It had started out with a six hour conversation about opera to sex to cartoons. She didn’t see me naked for 2 months because we were ‘just chilling’. Then we started sleeping together and it was ‘easy breezy’. We were just sleeping together, nothing more. And I thought I could do it.
Maybe it would have worked had we not hung out. And boy did we spend lots of time together. We laughed and joked. Even talked about other people we would sleep with. When she talked about me to her friends she called me ‘the Kenyan’. And it was ok.
Till it wasn’t.
It started out as annoying that she didn’t see how perfect I was compared to her ex who could have been a villain in a children’s book. I kept it all under wraps from my friends because they wouldn’t understand. I would just say we were ‘hanging out’. But it begun to get to me. There was one time I told her I missed her and her response made me lock myself in my uncle’s bathroom and cry. The goat peering at me through the window was the only thing that made me get my shit together and come out.
The casual vibe had become too casual for me.
Well maybe you cant handle something casual you say?
Maybe you are just too emotional?
Surely some girls can do it?
Well I am glad you asked. Let me lay it out for you.
So many of the ‘independent women’ I know who are free range with their eggs and full cream with their milk often find themselves getting the manure smeared end of the stick. Here are a mix of all their stories. I have seen this happen in both same sex and heterosexual relationships.
There is the girl who is having something casual with her ex. The emotional connection is there but he just wants to ‘keep it light’. She attempts to keep it light to show she is alright with the whole thing. That she is about ‘doing it like the fellas’. Problem is they still have the fights they used to when they were dating. She just can’t complain about it. So she cries all the time. To her friends.
There is the lovely lady who is having the casual hook up. They met in the club and its been good times. The sex makes her ‘see the moon and stars’. She doesn’t mind that they start talking at like 2 am when the good times are winding down. And then she pretends not to mind when he asks her to leave at 6 o clock because ‘he doesn’t know how to share his bed’. She does not mind that at all. Till she gets home and complains about it.
The examples go on and on. Women in situations where they aren’t necessarily getting a raw deal but they are definitely being short changed.
There is the fiery queen who has told her lover that they can be in an open relationship. And then their other half still managed to cheat. How does that even happen? Please can someone explain that to me.
If you have to explain your relationship with the person with the phrase “people think badly of him/her because they can’t see he/she is a good person” ask yourself why being naked with this person is the only thing that can make someone see that they aren’t a glorified douche.
And for the ladies out there who are on the giving rather than the receiving end, ask yourself how many amazing women (or men) you have started out with casually who have eventually started riding past your/best friend/grandmother/weed dealer’s house trying to scout if you are there because you aren’t answering your phone? How many extended flings have developed into women saying ‘how could you do this to me’ when they see you hitting on another girl? How long has a casual thing really lasted before somebody turned off the casual and turned on the crazy? More importantly, how many times has it ended well?
Everyone always claims to have it on lock.
Till they don’t.
But then you cant say I told you so because you are too busy trying to find Kleenex.
And you don’t want to be that friend who is unhelpful.
Truth be told I am speaking from what I have seen. One should only speak on what they know.
Or the rumours they hear.
But mostly what they know.
One will seldom ever find two people who are truly in the same place all the time. Even if you start out on the same page someone will want to see how the story ends and will try and move on to the next chapter. I say this having been that ‘tigress hunting in the jungle’ and realised I am less ‘tiger’ and more ‘house cat’. If I am going to be eating I want it in a bowl served around the same time every night and not dashing past me at 100mph requiring me to chase it. I want stability. I turned the page and I am grateful that I got my happy ending. The loosey goosey vibe is nothing compared to celebrating a two year anniversary and having someone who knows how to handle your body no matter if you are having an orgasm or a bad case of gas.
I have the inkling feeling there are a lot of women who agree with me despite saying that ‘they handling this’. That in the morning you leave where as you would have loved for her to make you breakfast. That you think about that evening where he gave you two shots and an orgasm when all you wanted was a dozen roses. This is not to say that everyone needs to be in a relationship. Before I got sucked into the ‘vortex of crazy’ I called my relationship from 2010-2011 I was genuinely happily single. I loved it. I never went looking for a relationship (even though God knows it found me with all the finesse and beautify of a deranged rhino). But lying to one’s self about one’s emotions doesn’t make you independent, it makes you unnecessarily vulnerable.
There is nothing wrong with being single and one night stands can be insanely sexy. I also fully understand everybody needs to get that ‘il na na’ but one needs to truly understand the situation you are in. Sooner or later it would seem that there comes a point when you know orgasms are a dime a dozen but someone who rubs your back when you have period pains is one in a million.
The question is ‘are you going to still pretend that you are ‘easy breezy’ or are you going to do something about it?’