HOLAAfrica!

A PanAfricanist Queer Womanist Collective

I am still not over you

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By Florence F Khaxas

I am so glad that you don’t get to see the battles I fight in the comfort of my heart

speaking the words that I vowed not to voice

this a war between my mind and my heart and I care to much not to let it hurt you

But it is hurting me more every time I lie in bed at night,

telling myself continuously that you have moved on

That it is too late to try

Too late to show you this smile that brought us closer at the first place

Where do I find the strength to give up my pride

My fear that is responsible for our goodbye

How do I lose myself once more to be vulnerable?

Letting go of my fears and taking the bullets of love

knowing that you will save me every time a tear is shed

and I shall reciprocate that compassion regardless of events that cant be explained

events beyond our control

What would you say if I give you my naked, unpolished, unfurbricated, unselfish, humble self

What would you say if I tell you that despite my rage, fear

I wish I held you a little bit longer when we said goodbye

What would you say if I tell you that I am missing you

I am still not over you

even though every aspect of my life seems like I have moved on

you’re still the one womyn that occupies my heart when I go to bed

first thing I think of in the morning

as I write messages in my mind asking if you are happy, if you are missing me

and as I sit right here, I still cant find the strength to be honest with you

Honest enough to tell you that I still think of you

that I am still not over you

I love you

I hope my eyes can tell you the truth I tried so hard to fight

At this point in time I give you my distant love, my friendship and my shoulder

In case you need a shoulder to cry on….

Hopefully one day my actions, not of the written or the spoken will show u how much I have missed you

(c) Florence F Khaxas 2011

6 comments on “I am still not over you

  1. Anna
    26/04/2013

    Thanks for sharing, Florence.

  2. Amanda Cooper
    23/04/2013

    moving on is so much easier said than done. u put one foot in front of the other….continue with your day, night and life…but when every other thought is what was and should have been and supposed to be, the pain and void is reborn. and yes…when you lay down at night is the worst…because thats the moments that meant the most and where close bonds were created and now the other side of the bed is empty and cold…..and her from the other night, she doesnt belong there. that mold is fit to the body of its owner who is missing. my heart, mind,body and soul has never let go yet i spoke those fateful words and carried out that dreadful task so now we are what my mouth said it wanted, but my heart sings a different song everyday for you.

  3. Mpho Kubjane
    22/04/2013

    You know..I’ve always been a romantic-and I firmly believe that you never forget the one that was meant for you..not ever,some people are just meant to be together and even when they are apart,their hearts never really let go..I know this because after almost two years since our break up-she sent me a message and It all just came back to me..I’ll always love the heck out of her,I wish things would have worked out..but you gotta move on right?

    • HOLAA!
      22/04/2013

      You do…or else it really will eat you up inside…

  4. Striped Blouse
    22/04/2013

    Exactly how I was a week ago.Its like what I felt have been put to words.

    • HOLAA!
      22/04/2013

      Its hard to move on sometimes. it really is. Good luck and take care of yourself. Always gets easier…

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