HOLAAfrica!

A PanAfricanist Queer Womanist Collective

Reasons why a straight woman should never utter the words ‘Men suck, I’m about to go gay’

By Kagure

Ladies here is some advice. Having trouble with men does not mean that you will have more luck on the ‘other side’. Saying something along the lines of ‘urgghhhh men are so annoying I wish I batted for your team’ is not a legitimate sentence. This is because being with women is not an alternative to crappy men for two main reasons:

Firstly do not make my sexuality less legitimate because you have stupid taste in men.  When, as a straight girl, you end up with a series of men who either cheat, don’t call or hit on your best friend/ older sister/ grand mother’s cat then it is time to look at the common factor. You.

This leads me to my second point. Having crappy taste in men will probably lead to you having crappy taste in women. And there are so many flavours and choices out there that some are bound to fail the taste test. There are some truly unsavoury ‘women who love women’ out there.

Thus let us review the more shady characters you may encounter:

The Cheater: This is the gorgeous, “swagged out” girl who cheats with your best friend. In the very club that you are all in. She will have both you and her in the dark because she will use the ‘straight girl factor’ against you.  She knows you won’t tell your BFF because what you two are doing is your ‘little secret’. She also knows the same of your best friend.  But be warned! She can do a more detailed comparison of your post-winter bodies than either of you could standing side by side in front of a mirror.

The Serial Monogamist: You meet, wait all of 6 months and boom you’re living together. Then one day the fights start. She asks you to move out. You look at her like she is crazy. But you move out because sleeping in the same bed is getting awkward. Three weeks later you see her Facebook photos with the new ‘love of her life’. 12 weeks later you bump into them at House and Home buying pots and you are SURE the new girl is wearing that hoody you couldn’t find. But you won’t make a scene because mama did not raise you that way. So you buy your single plate-bowl-spoon combo and walk out.

The Tortured Soul/ Girl who is nuttier that Squirrel poop: She will call you at 4pm, 7 pm, 12 am, 1 am, 3 am. You will have an explosive argument at 12 am, make up at 1 am and then have another good argument that takes you from 3am till 6am. When the money runs out on your phone she will then text you and tell you that you do not care about the ‘things she is feeling’ and she is tired of ‘giving and giving and giving’. She forgets that she has taken and taken and taken….hours of your sleep with all her ‘giving’. The fights will never stop and will often be written off as ‘passion’ and evidence of the love you feel for each other. This is not true. She is just bat shit crazy and if you don’t get out soon…well let’s just say, ‘birds of a feather…’

The ‘This is just a phase’ Girl: This is probably you. Take a long hard look at all the crap you are bringing to the table (insecurities, various issues with men, battles with your sexuality, inner turmoil, PMS) and imagine having to interact with that… Yeah. Thank you.

The ‘Classic’ player: So smooth that cocoa butter feels like lumpy curdled milk compared to this woman. For me she usually has dread locks and makes my normally extremely eloquent self speak in a series of giggles and grunts. But the reason this girl is so smooth is because she has managed to grease herself with the juices of every girl (straight and gay) within a 10 kilometre radius. If you think you are the first girl she has hit on in the past 20 seconds, you’re wrong. But she is so good that something inside of you won’t care. You will go home with her. She will wow you. She will blow your mind. She will turn you out. You will probably question every second of sex you have ever had before now. She might make you breakfast. She will not call. And when you see her again, you will go home with her again. Take this as an act of clairvoyance. This will happen.

The Girl with a wife at home: This lovely lady is in a committed relationship and a happy one at that. This gives her the space and the confidence to flirt and be awesome without the fear of rejection. If you reject her ‘so what?’, she has a woman at home who loves her even when she has that morning crust in her eyes. This breed of woman is particularly dangerous as she knows how to be emotionally involved (having had years of marital bliss as a means of practice). She also has the added security of a stable home mixed with the raw need to feel the thrill of the chase. Not a good look for anyone especially you when you catch a black eye from some irate femme (or butch) who has had it with this bullshit.

The ‘Good Christian’ Girl: This type of girl has a whole host of things going on. She wants you. She really does and when she gets you alone you will see her inner caged animal. She will have you on your knees, in the shower, on the kitchen table, on the bed, under the bed and somewhere near where the bed used to be before it broke.  Your two will mirror the praise and worship time during church with the ‘Oh Gods’ , ‘Hallelujahs’ and ‘Jesus’ exclamations. And then will come the sermon. ‘God thinks this is wrong’, ‘what you’re doing is wrong’, ‘who you are is wrong’… She will begin to project her inner religious turmoil all over you to such an extent a lesser person will convert to Catholicism just so they can go to confession. But she will be back. Beware if her bag looks big enough to carry a bible, it could make the night take an awkward turn.

The Party Girl: Never without a drink .You meet her out and its amazing times. You paint the town not just red but all the colours of the rainbow. Every time you meet, shots are downed, cocktails are ordered wine is sipped. She knows every bartender and every bouncer in the city and some in other cities too. Until you realize you may have actually never seen her sober. Every date you have had has been restricted to the hours when the characters of twilight and vampire diaries feel most comfortable and if ever you do convince her to do something during the day she always has a flask filled with…something.

So now you know what is on the other side of the fence. Please know this list is not exhaustive and some will be a mixture of one or two or even maybe three of these. And know that it does not even begin to touch on the whole host of idiot men who think every interaction with another girl should involve them.

So before you say ‘men suck I’m going gay’ think about these categories.

I once read a quote that said a people has arrived when it is allowed to produce its own fools. The world of ‘women who enjoy other women’ is beginning to produce some real gems. But that is neither here no there. Take heed because you have been warned.

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8 comments on “Reasons why a straight woman should never utter the words ‘Men suck, I’m about to go gay’

  1. Pingback: What ‘team’ do I play for? Doesn’t matter. I play to win. | HOLAAfrica!

  2. foxykitty
    13/03/2013

    That is sooo true! I know people who fit the description

  3. nhlalala Mateza
    06/10/2012

    Funnily enough for some1 that is still in the closet I’m very protective of our kind(LGBTI)… While this is impressive manual for those willing to try new things, i find it very unfair that they’re let into our secrets and ways, as they deem homosexuality as a backup plan. When was the last time you said you thought or said “screw homosexuality I’m going straight’.

    that just me and my view.

  4. bluestains
    04/10/2012

    Lovely !

  5. Sté
    04/10/2012

    oh my word, so funny !!! but so true. Women can be just as bad as men. the douchebag seed is in all of us … i feel so annoyed by girls who say that shit, it’s silly and it makes it seem as if there’s just a switch you can press to go from “one side” to the “other”. Girl please.
    That classic player though. I do not want to meet her, i’m scared for my feelings!!!!

    • HOLAA!
      04/10/2012

      Aren’t we all! Glad you liked it!

  6. Tazzy
    04/10/2012

    Boom! :’D This piece is hilarious and so true

    • HOLAA!
      04/10/2012

      We all been there. Met that girl and been like ‘what the…?’ ‘

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