A PanAfricanist Queer Womanist Collective
Losing a lover is one of the hardest things I had to go through, being the 1st time it happened is just so draining and so hard. That is mainly the reason of my silence in the blog, hope you have not forgotten about it! It’s been a rough couple of weeks, my girlfriend in Johannesburg was sick so I managed to get a ticket to go and see her. I was so happy to go and be by her side with the hope that she will get better.
I took time off from lectures to go and be there with her. I kept on calling her every chance I got to assure her that I was coming to be with her. She was sounding better every time we spoke on the phone. My flight was leaving at 5 in the evening and I called her on Tuesday to confirm that I had found a flight and I would be there with her ASAP. She sounded happy, we sms’d each other telling each other how much we loved each other, she started confessing about other things. I didn’t mind as I just wanted her in my life, I told her it is okay as long as we were together that’s all that mattered to me. Tuesday evening started packing and I was rather feeling somewhat emotional still and excited as well.
So I sat all night watching movies.
At around (02:50 15 August) in the morning I received a call from Lwazi’s mom, telling me that she had died in hospital 😥 I started crying even though I was in denial, my body became numb and I felt so out of place. I cried myself to sleep, woke up early in the morning to prepare for my trip I was still in tears hurting so much I couldn’t even eat. I bought alcohol drowned my sorrows, slept throughout my flight and I got to her house. Her mother and family were there, they comforted me I had to be strong for them, myself and her son. I found myself being put under a microscope by people I thought were my friends, wanting to know why I have a girlfriend in Cape Town when I had Lwazi for almost 3years (I still feel it is non of their business as Lwazi knew about Za and so does Za about Lwazi…) * long story, moving right along*.
The next day (16/08/2012) we woke up very early in the morning with her mother, brother and the lady who looked after her and her best friend to go and identify her body at the mortuary.
She looked so beautiful, her eyes slightly opened it was as if she would call my name 😦
I started crying as I so longed to kiss her, hold her and tell her how much I needed her in my life. I had to be strong. My friends came to support me, messages of comfort were pouring in on my Facebook, BBM, and emails. On Saturday it was the day to go and bath her to prepare her for the funeral the next day. I had spoken to her mom that I wanted to be there, to try and find closure of some sort. We went with her sister and two elders, still she was looking beautiful, her bare body lay there, lifeless, frozen and I looked at her spoke to her wishing she could respond. We dressed her in a beautiful grey dress, I joked with her saying I had never seen her in a dress.
She looked pretty good in it 🙂 .
We went back with her in a coffin I kept looking at it crying.
The next day I had to say my last goodbyes to the love of my life in a poem. It was hard, our sons were looking disorientated they were too young to understand what was happening.
I was with the little one throughout the service, I felt so connected to him still do. We laid my woman to rest on the 20th of August 2012, we came back and they did a cleansing ceremony and the family insisted I be part of it. Bottom line is Lwazi left me. The strangest thing happened yesterday (22 august) I received a sms from Lwazi, her family denied sending it so I am taking it as Lwazi sent it from heaven. [pic on the phone]. Everyone is shaken by it but me… (23 August 2012) when I woke up I woke up and wished she would visit me in my dream so we can have sex, talk and laugh for the last time I woke up emotional again wishing I could see her 1 last time and talk to her. Now all I do is talk to her whenever I am alone, telling her how much I miss and love her.
Now the question is WHERE TO FROM HERE??? 😦
Taken from me
I’m sitting here in my room, looking at your pictures and listening to our songs.
Wondering why you couldn’t be a part of my future.
Uncontrollable tears stream down my face,while my heart beat starts to race.
Asking God why he took you from my life, it was more painful than stabbing me in the heart with a knife.
I still needed you here you were the one to make everything so clear.
You are a part of me and I am a part of you when you died a part of me died too.
I never knew how hard it was to loose someone you loveuntil the day you went to heaven above.
Even though I can’t see, I know you are up there watching over me.
I miss you more and more everyday and all I can do is pray.
In my heart you shall forever remain.
I love u Njunju and always will!
IN MEMORY OF MY LOVER (NOLWAZI MOLOI)
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