A PanAfricanist Queer Womanist Collective
I had a chat with a friend the other day. A chat I wish I could have had with you. I wanted to say I am so sorry. I am sorry that I never gave you a chance, never gave us a chance. In all truth, you were the perfect girlfriend. And I really did love you when I was with you. I was committed to us and you made it worth it to try to stay. I tried, just not enough.
In all honesty, your little white lies were nothing to ever break up with you over. When it came to it though, it seemed like I needed all the reasons I could possibly find. There was nothing wrong with us. There was a lot wrong with me. My love was fickle.
When faced with a difficult situation, it was so much easier to succumb to desire than to think about you. The thrill was a magnetic chasm I could not escape. And in that gorge also went us. She was not better than you. I want you to understand that.
You were right about everything. About wanting something only because I had wanted it for so long. You were also right about me loving passionately; I did feel a lot of passion for you. It has taken me over a year to admit it but I was stupid and controlled by the feelings in my loins. If I had waited a month or two, I know I would have never left you.
I saw you the other day and could not look you in the eyes without feeling the deep sadness and regret for what I did to you. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want you back; I just wish you had never had to cry over me. You wrote me a poem to tell me you were over me. I wish you had never felt the pain enough to write that poem.
I know heartbreak is prevalent in human life, I know “it happens”. I won’t just say “it happened that I broke your heart”. I knew what I was doing. I did it anyway. I could have helped it. Everyone has a choice right? I did have a choice. I just chose not to acknowledge that. I was a horrible person, damn, I was a bitch and I am sorry. I can’t send you an email and tell you this but I hope you will realize that I am talking to you.
Visit the HOLAA Facebook Page