A PanAfricanist Queer Womanist Collective

Way over my head (when only one is closeted in a relationship)

By Hitchdyke

I just saw this as a draft post on my blog. Instead of posting it i changed it a bit to talk to the root of it which is when you find yourself dating a closeted person whilst you yourself are not closeted.

A bit of  background. I’m not entirely closeted nor am I entirely open about my sexuality, I have never confessed and opened up to someone about it, nor have I ever lied about my sexuality, I don’t give the impression I’m straight.

In regards to my family, well I’m about 90% sure my mother knows, but chooses not to talk about it, whether it being denial or her trying to give me time to talk about it. But then there’s that 10% chance she doesn’t which would basically prove her ignorance. The same goes for my extended family, they are probably too ignorant to piece it together. As of now all my friends and basically anyone I interact with outside my family knows either because they asked, or it came up in conversation.

My wife on the other hand is closeted. I mean so closeted and locked up in there with no chance of coming out (no offense darling). Her family and friends have no clue about her sexuality and she has no intention of letting them know. There are however a few people who know, I wouldn’t call them friends. They are mostly acquaintances that she interacts with outside her family life.

What this means is that our relationship is closeted,  I have  to learn to be closeted and for this to not affect our relationship i have to be OK with it.  It took a while to learn to do it, in fact I’m not convinced i truly am OK with it, or I’m truly closeted now, in the last month alone I have admitted to 2 people that I’m married to a woman and both time I have thought to myself right after saying it that I shouldn’t have.

My wife thinks its OK to be open when I want to if of course it doesn’t affect her, but that’s not true. For us to be absolutely closeted I have to get rid of my openness, that is the only way I can ensure there be no slip ups around her family, this means from now on I put our friendship before our relationship and we only speak of our marriage in private. This is especially so considering how much time we spend with each other’s families as well as how, on their own, our families  are becoming closer and friendlier.

The original post was basically addressing how this has affected my inner advocate and it went a little like this:

I have something on my mind, its driving me crazy, its doing my head-in. It seems like the homophobia in my country is steaming up, that infuriates me. I really wanna address this issue, I want to advocate for me and for everyone who experiences what i experience. Its sad to see your whole life being shamed degraded and condemned on a daily basis.

It’s amazing the things they say, its amazing how the most ignorant person seems to act like they know it all. It’s a pity there’s nothing I can do about it, As strongly as I feel about taking action, I can’t because it could expose our relationship which is the last thing wifey wants to deal with.

This was a cross-post from Hitchdyke’s very cool personal blog: From Here To The Moon And Back, go check it out here

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7 comments on “Way over my head (when only one is closeted in a relationship)

  1. Pingback: The Single, The Jaded & The Beautiful | HOLAAfrica!

  2. Pingback: Africa: Are we really just Super Gay? | HOLAAfrica!

  3. Sharla

    It is my opinion that being closeted destroys a relationship and a person. You and your wife need to be mindful of how this is affecting your relationship and any internal resentments you might have towards each other.

  4. Junie

    Interesting post. At some point i was closeted aswell but have come to terms with being open. I don’t walk around announcing it, but i don’t hide it either. The writer says she’s married, i just wonder where the joy is in making that commitment to each other and not being able to shout it out to the world? What would happen if the wife came out? And it seems to me the writer is being made to give up on the activist in her, that is sad as we need people to stand up and speak up against the injustices being done to us.

    We have no shame in being gay and the world needs to know that.

    • hitchedyke

      Hi Thanks a lot for your reply and can i just say i agree with you 100% the world needs to know that we have no shame in being gay…but that should start with us actually having no shame, sadly enough some of us still aren’t or maybe we still in fear.

      I have to say being in a closeted marriage is the hardest thing i ever i had to do, and i have gone through a lot in my life, it was an important event in my life and yet i could not enjoy it and share it with the people that mattered the most. Honestly it still pains me everyday, but i had to make a choice or at the very least give her the opportunity to come out when she’s ready.

      I still haven’t fully accepted the whole giving up advocacy, that one is a story without an ending just yet…

  5. Prudence

    Love this blog!!!!

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