A PanAfricanist Queer Womanist Collective
Its funny how, you know you are able to do something, and when faced with a task, you shoot blanks. It’s what I’m experiencing right now. Call it performance anxiety. Now I could go down the male road, and lie, say this has never happened before. Or i can face it, it’s reality, my reality. A reality that seems to continuously hold me back, but why I wonder, avoiding the fact that I’ve reached this answer before. Well more it reached me, she reached me, or the chapter. I’m not to sure how to say it, well write it
in this case. Anyways it was from a book, the answer I mean, it was from a book called The return to love by Maraim Williamson. The particular chapter was called ‘hell’, although I cannot quote it word for word, basically it spoke about how this thing holding me back is the fact that I’m terrified. She speaks about how we come from a generation crippled by it. We’re not powerful enough to overrule ourselves. We sabotage, abort everything: our careers, our relationships, even our children. We drink. We do drugs. We control. We obsess. We co- depend. We overeat. We hide. We attack. All because of this fear ingrained in us, and the likely hood is, according to Williamson that we blame all of our inadequacies on our parents. Now I’m not one for religion, but this specific chapter seemed to look into my soul, putting into words what my mind couldn’t seem to articulate. But where to from here? I know what’s stopping me and i know, I’m not the only one, but how do I fix it? Is fix it even the right word? Am I an object of society? for only objects need to be fixed don’t they? I cant be sure…….
Somebody call 911, I may need an emergency room.