HOLAAfrica!

A PanAfricanist Queer Womanist Collective

So, who is the Man?

By Siphu

Who is the man and who is the woman in the relationship?

One would assume that the moment you are in a relationship with another woman the gender performance becomes simple, you are two women after all. But the question keeps coming up over and over. Who is the man and who is the woman in the relationship? Society desperately tries to make sense of this anomaly by bringing it back to heterosexist norms.

My girlfriend and I are complete opposites in terms of our appearance and personalities. I have what would be termed a more ‘masculine’ manner about me, and she more ‘feminine’.
Patriarchy teaches us that men are the bread winners in the household. So because I have a higher score than her on the masculinity-meter I am assumed to be the one paying for everything. We go to the super market and the person at the till will give me the slip. We are at a restaurant and regardless of which one of us asks and pays for the bill, the waiter always gives it to me. My poor lover has every capability of paying the bill but because she is feminine that right is snatched right from under her feet.

Who is the man and who is the woman in the relationship?
While society desperately seeks to make sense of this union, we too play out what the outside imposes. There are questions of who does what work around the house? The femme cooks and cleans, the butch brings home the bacon and fixes things. The femme is the submissive in bed, the butch in control. God forbid an exchange were to happen. All hell would break loose!!!

All of these are lies society feeds us in order to re-enact heterosexuality in our same-sex relationships. And I am not implying I do not conform to these performances of femininity. Sadly I am just as guilty as charged at times. I have however come to realise that once u have two people of the same-sex in a relationship, you cannot then expect to emulate a man and a woman. Womanhood is not defined by chores and dress, the fact that we keep trying to confine it to boxes is restricting its beauty.

Who is the man and who is the woman in the relationship? 

The sooner we accept that there is no man in a relationship between two women, the sooner we move on with our lives   and perform our sexualities however we choose.

2 comments on “So, who is the Man?

  1. Bumbim
    17/09/2013

    I agree totally with you. My girlfriend acts totally X while ve got the Y traits. But suprisingly, she prefers to cater for our needs and nutures as a baby while she in turns expects me to act as d male doing d masculine house chores and giving her all the pampering and petting. Just recently, I made are realise we are both woman and both needs to be pampered and nutured. It doesn’t have to be one -sided all the time. Because we both crave for attention and warmth at different times.

    • HOLAA!
      19/09/2013

      That is true. there is no ‘man’ no ‘woman’ just people who bring different things to a relationship. Thank you so much for reading the post and leaving a comment.

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