HOLAAfrica!

A PanAfricanist Queer Womanist Collective

On Codependence and other cosmic bodies

By Tatenda 

A Bugatti Veyron Super Sport is a remarkable feat of engineering. It is capable of going from 0 – 100km/h in 2.5 seconds, which is shorter than it takes most people to inhale and about the same time it takes a keen eye to spot a ‘hottie’. The idea that a thing can go from a state of complete inertia to hurtling itself through space at an alarming speed surprises everybody; except, of course, a woman who has been emotionally involved with other women.

We’ve all heard of the “lesbian urge to merge” and while people love adding their 5 cents to the “all women are prone to being codependent” pond, I couldn’t be bothered. So I will put it like this:  it’s a fact that in many cases women experience extremely intense emotional connections with other women and this leads to them acting “crazy” (yes I’m guilty). The more important question is understanding why this happens. Why is it that in a heartbeat attraction becomes infatuation, which is then confused for love or connectedness? Is it that women are naturally prone to closeness or could it be something else?

What attracts us to other people is, often, the result of a complex interaction between our expectations, insecurities, desires for ourselves, desires of others, relationships with the world and the things that perplex us about out own humanity. In this respect a relationship can be marketed as the drug that will help one make sense of the human condition by providing one with the perfect, balancing, antithesis of themselves.

To this I call BS.

Buying into the idea of “the incomplete self” or “the one” is exactly what leads women into overly committed codependent relationships. What ever happened to going with the flow and feeling a person out, while continuing to live and own your life? Is maintaining some semblance of autonomy and self while exploring the dynamics of another human being so torturous that we need to cling and claw as soon as we see potential?

To use Ebonics “I just cannot f*ck with this”.

I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with how focused, intimate and open female interactions can be. It’s just that they lead to circumstances where people assume to know another’s feelings and expectations. Meaning that individuality fades and gives way to a prematurely imagined unit before it is even realistically possible.

The “you know me better than I do” story may occur because women need to understand where they stand in relation to each other in order to navigate their mutually occupied space. Or because we have watched too many Disney movies. Or because we listen to too many love songs. It really doesn’t matter how you look at because as I see it merging, the urge to merge and imagined merging destroy any and all potential.

It makes no sense to date another person when what you ultimately want is an extension of yourself. We’re different for a reason and that’s the first thing you see when you let the lust subside and start seeing for seeing’s sake.

All women have gravity but that doesn’t mean that every woman is ready to be her own planet and anchored by her own core. Some women neglect their personal ecosystems and the life that they could cultivate in order to be somebody else’s moon, comet or sun.  Each role is romantic, in theory, but ultimately it means that you lose the very thing that makes you sexy- your individuality.

Moons

Moons are mysterious, we do not see them all the time but when we do we are reminded that there is a constant…ever present they stir our oceans and remind us of romance. Some may even inspire, how could they not? They’re exquisite. Balancing near planets are these hauntingly beautiful bodies that have no light of their own, cannot sustain life and are held together by very little gravity. They are cold in their neediness. A fact illustrated by how a moon cannot exist without a planet while a planet can have many moons. They tend to date one person at a time while fantasizing about a “we” that hasn’t even been suggested and always want too much too soon. In short moons are nice to look at, mysterious sometimes but also very boring… You never want to be a moon.

Suns

Suns are those tempting women who burn and are appealing because of it. They remind us of what it means to throb (yup I said it). We free fall around them and they snatch panties…sometimes mercilessly, sometimes politely. Essentially planets need suns because they make life a little sexier but they’re dangerous. To engage with a sun you’ll need to wear sunblock in the form of a healthy self-esteem and a clear idea of what you want out of life. We’d all like to think that we’re emotionally unavailable but a typical sun is really emotionally unavailable so the attraction comes with a “buyer beware” sign.  Yes they may help us grow and, depending on where you are in your life, they’ll invigorate and energize you but never try to get too close because you’ll burn- no you’ll melt. Also suns are stars so while some of them shine they could already be dying and the last thing any sane person needs is to get sucked into a supernova.

The Ideal State

The ideal state, as I see it, is being your own planet. Having your personal core sustain and inspire you. Relationships are about synergy but they’re also places where two complete people come together, and stay together, because they choose to. To me the “me and my girlfriend” conversation is the cutest when I hear Tupac rapping about his gun, not when a women can’t conceptualize herself outside of her partner. You should aspire to wake up everyday, sometimes next to your lover and sometimes smelling like them, ready to live your life and take on your own experiences.

I’m not saying that I’m not a friend of commitment (though I think it happens a little too quickly a little too often). I’m just saying that you have to be your own ideal before you can even begin of thinking of being somebody else’s. If you fail to do so you will find yourself being an easily replaceable, dependent and rather pathetic cosmic body that has lost her “planethood”.

So take your time when you date. Take your time with passion and allow yourself to like more than one person at a time. There’s no need to be so focused on “the game” because that could lead you into a series of short-lived intense affairs that wear you down and break you apart. Leaving pieces of you as miserable comets hurtling through space, waiting to collide with other comets or get sucked into the atmosphere of some planet somewhere.

HOLAA! back at us.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Stroll Through Time

May 2012
M T W T F S S
« Apr   Jun »
 123456
78910111213
14151617181920
21222324252627
28293031  

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 3,456 other followers

HOLAA World Wide Twitter

%d bloggers like this: