A PanAfricanist Queer Womanist Collective
We had dinner.
It was my birthday and such a delightful evening I laughed at everything she said and gleamed as much as the twinkle in her eyes. Watching her was the only thing I wanted to do. She was my fascination and I know she enjoyed the fact. I didn’t eat much. Perhaps because of the excitement that was yet to come.
Excitement that no food could ever give me. Her room at the University had a beautiful orange hue. I stood there, my body on fire, my breath catching in my throat, playing with my hands, licking my lips, trying to ignore the pounding in my chest. She was quiet and I was rambling on about nothing, nervous. She came close and I thought I would faint. I thought I would die from the pace at which my heart was pounding. My heart stopped when she kissed me and my body met hers…blah blah blah… I wish!!
No really, I do wish that my first night with a girl had been that amazing and magical.
Here is how it actually happened.
I was a first year student at the Varsity. A naive, hot blooded, untouched and sexually frustrated lesbian. I will call her Shane. We started seeing each other and on the “big night”, Shane calls me to her room and immediately I knew what was going to take place. My pants were going to come off and I was going to have sex with this girl! Yes! I rush to her room and she is tipsy but I do not complain. The reward for enduring the discomfort of seeing her in her tipsy state is so much bigger than the discomfort.
We start kissing, softly and then deeply, she takes off my clothes, I take off hers, we fall into bed and I know that this is what I want, this is just as great as I thought it would feel and everything I had been practicing on myself seems to work on her. She seems to know more than I do though. She is pushing her thighs against me in a way that feels really good, she is touching all the places that make me think that I might want to have sex three times in a day. We are sweating, we are breathing fast and the lack of conversation makes everything so intense. She is on top of me and taking off my panties, she is reaching down and touching me…there. I know what she is doing, I have done it many times, alone. Once my panties are off, I feel her body moving down. She goes down on me. All of a sudden I feel this incredible discomfort. It feels like my coochie is giving her mouth oral sex. It feels like she is looking for something aggressively and she is poking me everywhere! She is moaning in pleasure. I am moaning in pain! She is grabbing my thighs closer and I am trying to pull them away gently! It seems like she is having such a great time and I just want to put my clothes back on and thank her for the body contact. I am watching the ceiling and wondering if she is ever going to notice that she is simply having sex with my body. After some more poking and massaging she lets me go and kisses me and tells me it was wonderful.
I should feel sorry for her. I should understand because it is not easy to please someone sexually the first time you have sex with them. Apparently sex with one person gets better the more times you have it. I have told a different story to all my exes about how I was deflowered and it was incredibly beautiful and I cried. Well, I did cry. That is true. I cried because it was such a waste of my time! I cried because my first time was with this tipsy girl who didn’t even have a clue what she was doing and didn’t care to ask! I will cry today if any woman who decides to bed me does not have the decency to explore me. I do still wish my first time had been meaningful. I consider myself a virgin now, after months and months of no sex.
So, this is a fresh start. The beginning of this article is exactly how I would like my first time to be. I think you should wish for better too. Why settle for the quick shag after a night out with a girl you met at the bar? Why settle for any piece of hot female flesh you get your hands on just because it is hot, female flesh? You can do better. I should have done better.
….so, to continue on from where I left off with my future mystery woman…my heart stopped when she kissed me and my body met hers…we stood there, in the silence of the night, lips on lips, hands exploring every bit of each other’s body, my mind exploding at the thought of how breathtaking it felt to be so near her. I pulled back, searched her eyes, I asked “what do you want?”. She answered “let me show you….”.